draw near.

Reminded again of my complete and utter depravity.  Of my natural tendency to go my own way; do my own thing until it drives me into the ground.  Reminded of the hardness of my own heart when I've forgotten grace.  It's amazing how quickly and easily I spin into this sickness of self.

And then, clearly in front of me, I see the goodness of God at work.  I catch a glimpse of the cross.  I hear His Words ringing in my head: "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).  They resound in my heart and I'm overcome by just how absurd it all is.  How absolutely absurd it is that I, in my sinfulness, my selfishness, my hardness of heart, can approach the Father with confidence, I can lay myself (ALL of me) before Him with full knowledge and assurance that He has grace for me.  That He will continue to lavish that grace on me.  That in my drawing near, He will draw nearer.

Apart from the work of Christ, I am a hopeless sinner eternally separated from God and completely deserving of His full wrath. "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus," (Ephesians 2:4-6).  In Christ we have an advocate.  His shed blood covers our sin and our shame.  And he has imputed his righteousness to us.  I have nothing to fear or hide in my coming before God.  I need only to draw near in humility (a true understanding of ALL that God is and all I am not) and confidence (that I will receive grace and find completeness in relationship with Him).

This infinite and holy God whose very nature is all wrath and all love (He is NOT fickle!) made a way for us to draw near-- Christ alone.    

little deaths.

Fall is probably my favorite season.  There's something about the cool air, clear skies and vibrant trees that fills me with pleasure.  Beautiful and intricate leaves that fall to the ground and crunch beneath my feet.  And these trees are wonderful and the leaves are lovely because they have died.

Something I'm slowly learning (again) is the absolute necessity of truly and constantly surrendering my life and heart to the Lord.  Elizabeth Elliot says "Life requires countless 'little' deaths-- occasions where we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God."  The more I really begin to examine the way I live, I'm convicted that I still cling to what I think or desire to be "mine".  Often that choice is unconscious, but it reflects something deeper in me-- a sinful and selfish heart.  The truth is, the attitude of my heart ought to be a resounding, "YES" to God.  I'm called to take up my cross daily (Luke 9:23), to remember what I've been redeemed from (an eternity of sin and death) and for (the GLORY of God, to be forever in enjoyment of his presence), and consider myself dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Romans 6:11).

Abundant life in Christ requires death.  First his death and then ours.  Lasting joy comes from seeking the Lord in all things and from continual surrender to his will.  And there is great beauty to be seen in these "little deaths", for they collide with God's perfect will to his glory.

grace to love what you command.

"Almighty God, you alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners: Grant your people grace to love what you command and desire what you promise; that, among the swift and varied changes of the world, our hearts may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen."

from The Book of Common Prayer, quoted by Elisabeth Elliot (Passion and Purity)

in Him.

"Brethren, at this present moment, although we rejoice to do good works, we are not seeking to obtain life through them, we are not hoping to obtain divine favor by our own goodness, nor even to keep ourselves in the love of God by any merit of our own.  Chosen, not for our works, but according to the eternal will and good pleasure of God; called, not of works, but by the Spirit of God, we desire to continue in his grace and return no more to the bondage of the old covenant...

Neither that which we do, nor even that which the Spirit of God worketh in us is to us the ground and basis of the love of God toward us, since he loved us from the first, because he would love us, unworthy though we were; and he loves us still in Christ, and looks upon us not as we are in ourselves, but as we are in him, washed in his blood and covered with his righteousness.  Ye are not under the law, Christ has taken you from the servile bondage of a condemning covenant and made you to receive the adoption of children, so that now ye cry, Abba, Father."

-C.H. Spurgeon, Christ's Glorious Achievements

God is.

I spent my last night in Colorado surrounded by sweet friends on a quiet dock, with the sound of the water softly lapping up against it and the dark silhouettes that were mountains all around.  The sky was black and filled with tiny shining lights that sparkled in our eyes.  We sang some, we laughed some, we shivered in the cold and at the thought of leaving the place and people we had come to love.

Endings and beginnings are funny things.  And at the end of my time at camp, I was reminded of the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.  He always knows what I need far better than I do, and He knew that I needed to be there.  It was hard in a lot of ways.  I was lonely at first, I felt disconnected from the people around me.  But that deeply felt loneliness drove me even further in pursuit of the Lord, and for that I am thankful.  Along the way He blessed me with friendships that pointed me to Him.  And now here I am, a little bit different than I was 2 1/2 months ago, grateful for where I was and how He used it in my life to teach me more about Himself.

I was challenged this summer to write an A-Z list of who I know God to be through His Word.  Every time I look at it, I am encouraged but also compelled to further seek after the Lord and find out more about His character and His promises.
God is
Awesome, Abba Father, and the One in whom I abide. He adopted me.
He is my beloved, His blood shed to cover my sin.
He is Creator, consuming fire, crucified He cleanses me.
He is my Deliverer and my delight, His Spirit dwells in me.
He is my ever-present help in trouble, He's eternal; the exalted one.
He is faithful Father, He's my firm foundation, He forgives-- "it is Finished" in Him
He is good and glorious, the Giver and the gift, He is GRACIOUS.
He is holy, He is healer, in Him we have hope.
He is infinite and immeasurable, HE must increase (but I must decrease)
He is just and jealous, joy is found in Him
He's the King of Kings, He is kind, and He knows me to my core
He is love, He's the life-giver, He's lion and lamb, He is light, He is Lord
He is the Maker of all things, majestic and mighty.  He is merciful.
He never fails, He makes me new.  One day His name will be proclaimed among all nations.
He opposes the proud and welcomes outsiders.
He is pure and perfect, He brings peace, He is patient.  He pardons sin, His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He's my portion.
He quiets me by His love.
He's the ruler of all, He's my rest and my refuge.  He's redeemer and He's righteous, He restores and reconciles us to Himself through the risen Son.  He's my rock.
He is sovereign and sustainer.   He's my Savior and my strength.
He is trustworthy, He transforms hard hearts, He sits on the throne.
He is unchangeable and understanding, He upholds the universe by the word of His power.
He is the true vine and has achieved VICTORY over sin and death.
He is wrathful.  He's worthy of all glory, honor and praise.  He is THE Way, He is wise and wonderful.
He is excellent in all His ways.
He is Yahweh, my soul yearns for Him.
He is zealous for His name and His glory.

I'm faced with an ending and a beginning-- the summer is coming to an end, and I'm about to start another year of school with all sorts of exciting and difficult things ahead.  But the God that I know never ceases to be everything that He is.  Above all, I can rest in the unchanging nature of who He is, and hopefully point others to Him.

costly grace.

(from The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

"Such grace is costly because it calls us to follow, and it is grace because it calls us to follow Jesus Christ.  It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it give a man the only true life.  It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner.  Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: 'ye were bought at a price,' and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us.  Above all, it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life, but delivered him up for us."

that the Father may be glorified.

This summer I've been working at camp in Bayfield, Colorado, surrounded by glorious mountains and lakes and rivers and all kinds of beautiful things.  The Lord has been working on my heart in various ways, the most recent of which has been the importance of prayer.

In being here, I've struggled a lot with the temporary nature of camp.  It's a wonderful place and kids love it, because they come and are encouraged and have the time of their lives and get to briefly escape reality.  I've been amazed by their vulnerability; their willingness to share their brokenness with these people they barely know.  And none of them want to leave, because they saw the Lord show up here and experienced community and they don't want to go back to the hard stuff of life.  But the truth is, they have to go back.  Their time at camp is only two weeks of their year.  And when they go back, many of them do not have any kind of encouragement or support to continue to entrust their lives to the Lord and learn and grow in who He is.

That's tough.  Because it is a desire of my heart to walk alongside people in their day-to-day struggles and joys.  I want to learn and grow with them, to be an encouragement to them.  But the reality is, I probably won't see most of these kids again.

The Lord has been showing me, though, that even though that may be true, this doesn't have to be the end.  And it SHOULDN'T be the end.  Because if I truly care for these kids and trust in the power of God in their lives, I need to be faithful to lift them up in prayer.  Pray that He would continue to grow in them a desire to know Him and love Him more.  Pray that they would be saturated with the TRUTH of who God is and what He has given them in his Son.  Pray that they would trust Him to be their strength in times of weakness.  Pray that He would place people in their lives to encourage them and walk alongside them.  And that realization is giving me so much HOPE.  The experiences they had don't have to be "camp highs"; purely emotional experiences that don't have a lasting effect on their lives.  It CAN be the beginning of a significant, growing relationship with the Lord, or the revival of a broken or hardened heart.

I've been reading John this summer, and have come across multiple instances where Christ says that anything we ask in His name, that He will do.  He is NOT saying that He'll grant us anything we ask for (He is NOT some kind of cosmic genie responding to our every wish and whim).  However, the notes in my study bible talked about praying in a manner that is consistent with His character and His will.  Therefore, if we are asking for and desiring what the Lord delights in, He wants to move in response to our prayer so that He will be glorified in the lives of His people.  We can and should ask big things of a big God who delights in His name and His glory being made known in peoples' lives.

So in terms of my summer and the kids that continually stream in and out of camp's gates, I am confident in the unchanging nature of our God.  He continues to be good and faithful and desires that His children will daily live and walk with Him.   And He delights in responding to the prayers of His people for the sake of their good and His glory.

I am so thankful that through Christ I get to be in relationship with God; I am able to talk to Him and He HEARS me and answers my prayers according to His good and perfect will.  What a beautiful thing.

"Whatever you ask in my name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."  -john 14:13-14

for freedom.

Recently, I've been thinking about the seriousness of sin.  The truth is, the way we as believers choose to live is important.  But what I often see in the church is either a tendency toward legalism or toward rebellion.  Because many of us think that the reason we're doing what we're doing is so that we look different to the world, or so we can feel better about ourselves, or whatever.  We have lots of reasons for doing what we do.

Here's what I'm learning though: our lives are meant to be reflections of God's glory.  Of the beautiful truth of the gospel.  And we shouldn't be striving for holiness for any reason BUT our simple desire to know God better and love Him more.  Because if we really knew Him, we wouldn't be able to get enough of Him.  If we only understood that His gift of Himself would bring us true and complete fulfillment, we wouldn't need to fill our hearts, minds, lives with lesser things.

The Lord has our best in mind when He tells us in Scripture to "flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart" (2 Timothy 2:22).  It's not because He wants to deprive us of all our "fun"-- it's because He MADE us, He saw us in our sin and sent His Son to DIE for us, it's because He knows what we need, and that is more of HIM.

Friends, there is joy to be found in this glorious truth.  If we are willing to fully trust that the Lord does want our best, that He is not only what we NEED but what we WANT, our desires will begin to align with His.  And we will experience great pleasure in obeying His commands when we recognize the seriousness of our sin, the holiness of God, and the depth of His love for us.

That's what's special about our faith.  That it absolutely is not anything like a ladder or a mountain or anything we have to work toward to "achieve".  It is a free gift, and the gift is the Giver.  We are under GRACE.  And this sets us free to love the Lord, because He is good and because we are unworthy, but we get to be in relationship with Him, we get to experience life with Him in it.

These ideas are basic and foundational, but I'm just starting to really grasp their goodness.  Brothers and sisters, I hope this encourages you!  We aren't living for the glory that comes from man.  We don't need to try to be attractive to other people, we need to LOVE Jesus.  And that means living in obedience to Him and loving His commands.  If we don't, where are our hearts fixed?

dust and ashes.

"Let it be published in heaven as a wonder, that the Lord Jesus should set His heart's love upon such as we are. Dust and ashes though we be, we must and will 'magnify the exceeding greatness of His grace.'"


-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

humility.

Recently I've been learning through brokenness.

I have an opportunity for ministry on campus next year, and I have had all these thoughts and opinions on how to improve this ministry.  And as I continue to delve deeper into how to really go about doing these things, how to sharpen the focus on genuine fellowship among believers truly desiring to grow in their love for and lives for the Lord that is founded on and deepened by the truth of the Word, I am realizing that it is FAR more difficult than I thought.  Who would've thought that by trying to simplify ministry it would become even more complex?  

But what that has meant for me in processing all of these things is that I've discovered that I'm at the end of my rope.  I've realized that from my own strength and my own "creativity" have come a few mediocre ideas that may or may not bring positive change and life to the ministry.  I have analyzed the crap out of this thing, I have looked at it from every possible angle, and what I've ultimately come to is that I'm honestly more at a loss now than when I started.  This whole thing is starting to look really hopeless, right?  I might as well just kind of give up, sit back, and continue to do things the way they've always been done.  Forget my thoughts and convictions and turn it on cruise control?

Try again.  I was totally broken tonight after a conversation with some old friends about the church.  Lots of us were expressing frustrations based on things we'd seen elsewhere or bad experiences we've had personally.  Some of these issues were legitimate, some of them were purely a matter of personal taste.  But the point is that this conversation was bringing me again to a place of helplessness.  There are a whole myriad of problems in "THE church"; in every small part and person that makes up the collective body of Christ.  And these things break my heart, but I CAN'T fix them.  

All of these things I've been thinking about and talking about have finally lead me to a place where I should have been from the beginning: coming humbly before the Lord in prayer; recognizing that even my best efforts-- even efforts meant to please the Lord-- simply do not compare to the plans and purposes of God.  If we want to be effective in ministry, if we want to see positive change in the church, if we want to turn from sin in our lives we had better be fixing our eyes and our hearts on the One who alone has all glory, honor, and power.  We ought to be fully reliant on Him and His grace every step of the way.  It is the Lord that brings life to the church; His strength that enables us to turn from sin and toward godliness. 

To think that we have anything to offer is to miss the point, to see ourselves incorrectly in relation to the Lord.  He is completely and perfectly HOLY.  Our very nature is SINFUL.  But by His grace we are called His.  And our only boasting; our only hope is in Him.  If we would learn to see every part of our lives in this way, if we could if we could learn to humbly live in complete dependence on Him, I am confident that the Lord will move mightily and be glorified all the more.

O, that my heart would melt...

"I am not affected by the death of Jesus as I ought to be; neither am I moved by the ruin of my fellow men, the wickedness of the times, the chastisement of my heavenly Father, and my own failures, as I should be. O that my heart would melt at the recital of my Saviour's sufferings and death.  Would to God I were rid of this nether millstone within me, this hateful body of death. Blessed be the name of the Lord, the disease is not incurable, the Saviour's precious blood is the universal solvent, and me, even me, it will effectually soften, till my heart melts as wax before the fire." 
-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

to bring us to God.

"But what is the ultimate good in the good news?  It all ends in one thing: God himself.  All the words of the gospel lead to him, or they are not the gospel.  For example, salvation is not good news if it only saves from hell and not for God.  Forgiveness is not good news if it only gives relief from guilt and doesn't open the way to God.  Justification is not good news if it only makes us legally acceptable to God but doesn't bring fellowship with God.  Redemption is not good news if it only liberates us from bondage but doesn't bring us to God.  Adoption is not good news if it only puts us in the Father's family but not in his arms."

-John Piper, Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die

heart, soul, mind, strength.

Wrote this for my home church in reflecting on Christ's life and death this week.

Many of us are familiar with the Great Commandment.  When Jesus is asked in the last week of his life which commandment is most important, he responds with, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel, The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  There is no commandment greater than these,” (Mark 12:29-31).  In this simple and profound statement I find great encouragement.  Christ is communicating that with Him, things are changing.  In reflecting on the Old Testament and the old law, we find several commandments.  This law was meant to show us our sin, to show the depth of our depravity before the Father.  It was a law that could not be fulfilled by any person in history—until Christ came down in the flesh and lived a perfect and holy life.  And what was his gift to us?  Himself.  Above all, He is asking us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind.  The other commandments have not disappeared, but our motivation has changed.  When we are seeking to know and love God more, obedience flows from a heart of praise to Him.  We are not perfect, but we are being renewed to see and delight in the Lord, causing us to live lives pleasing to Him.  Thus, our religion is not based on all we must do, but what Christ has done and is doing in us.  This is a great and wonderful truth!  Meditate today on the gift of God and think on what it means to love Him with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength.

hope of glory.

Aching right now for a place I've never been before.  My home church supports an orphanage in Haiti, an opportunity that has been used by the Lord as a blessing to many.  But, because of circumstantial issues surrounding the orphanage right now, I am reminded of the depth of human depravity, of the far-reaching effects of sin and brokenness in this world.  It breaks my heart.


But light does shine through darkness.  God is there in the midst of the broken.  I see it in several ways, but the most powerful to me is the image of my dad and other members of the LCF body loving these children.  My father, the man who has been by my side since I took my first breath and loved me and taught me and helped me grow, has several other children.  Beautiful Haitian children.  Because as we have received the spirit of adoption as sons (Romans 8:15), we all become family under One name. We should take great pleasure in loving and caring for brothers and sisters and widows and children in Christ.  We are told in James 1:27 that, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."  God cares deeply for the poor and oppressed.  He hates injustice, He hates sin and its painful out-workings in this world.  And as His children, we are called to love those who are also called His.  


The darkness has not and will not overcome.  And though suffering does exist, the Lord is still magnifying His name through the pouring out of His love on His people, to give to those in need.  Not only do we have these glimpses of light, but we also have the hope of future glory.


"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
Romans 8:18-25

center.

March 31, 2011

Tonite I heard a message that strikes a chord with where I’ve found myself lately.  Thinking about what it means to live a life of radical abandonment to the glory of God.  To repent of self-centeredness, to aim to make Christ the center.  To love Him and love people.

These are simple callings.  They look very different from the law of the Old Testament.  They are straightforward, unadorned.  But simple and easy are two different things.  Christ, who has freely given me grace and abundant life in His name, is asking me to love Him and to love my neighbor as myself.  And I want to.  So why do I find myself in the same place over and over again?  Proclaiming that I want to love and serve God, but living a life that is still very much my own?

Father.

Thank you that you are gracious and slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love.

I am unworthy to be called Yours.  I am unfaithful.  I am selfish.  I am lazy.  I hear what you’re asking me, but more often than not, I do not act obediently in love.

Break me.  Break me of myself.  Let me see your glory, and may it change me deeply.  Bring me to my knees.  Then mobilize me, fill my heart and mouth with praise to You.

I pray that my life would be evidence of the work YOU have done in it.  I can claim nothing good as coming from me.  All glory, honor, power is Yours.

trust.

March 15, 2011

Oh, Lord,

Why is it so hard to trust?  Trust that YOU, Creator and Sustainer of everything, are plotting my course, directing my steps?

Why do I doubt and question along the way whether I really want your will for my life?  Why can’t your will also be mine?

It’s because I’m clinging too closely to the things I know.  The things I can see.  And what I see is a whole lot of people making things happen for themselves.  I try to follow suit.  But I always come back to the place where YOU are.  Distraught.  Humbled.  Wishing I had put all of my faith in YOU all along.

Thanks, Lord, for never leaving.  Thanks for welcoming your wayward children with open arms after every time we try to walk on our own and stumble and fall.  Thanks for picking us up, dusting us off, and offering us grace upon grace to bring us back home.

Read these words today that I’ve heard countless times, but they struck me with new sweetness and promise this afternoon:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

proverbs 3: 5-8

because I live.

Mach 1, 2011

Sunshine.  Warmth.

Stands in stark contrast to the wintery cold that hung in the air just days ago.  To the frost on my windshield and chill in my bones.

Now I see golden-light and feel the way the soft breeze meets my bare arms and feet, an unexpected but warmly-welcomed sensation.

Warmth.

I forget.  Forget that it’s coming.  Forget that there’s more.  Get trapped in snow and ice and heaviness.  Feel like that’s all there ever is.

And then this day comes.  This glorious day.  It catches me off guard, fills my heart with joy, reminds me that hope exists.

There is HOPE. When you’re hurting, when you’re wondering, when you’re seeking, when you’re waiting.

The Lord says in John 14: “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you…Because I live, you also will live.”  We will never stay where we are for very long.  Christ has made us His and given us life in His name.  He is always faithful and good.  So we have Him and eternity to look forward to.

Not a life of worldly pleasures that are fleeting and fade all too quickly.  Not a life of riches and power and success.  But a life spent knowing Him and making Him known.  Seeing His beauty all around us, loving and being loved.  Giving grace as we have received the greatest grace.

Because the grass withers and the flower fades, and so do we.  Our lives are a breath.  And when we shrink it down to those terms, it becomes clear that most things aren’t worth living (or dying) for.  Christ, only.

sufficiency.

February 12, 2011

Lately I’ve been confronted by my own inadequacies.  I’ve been  doing my best to juggle various activities and homework and a job and people and my relationship with the Lord, and the truth is, I don’t always do it so gracefully.  In fact, I drop a lot of balls.

I get overwhelmed, I get discouraged, and the devil creeps into my thoughts, seeking to attack every weakness (and there are several).  Lately that has looked a lot like: FAILURE.  Being convinced that I will fail.  That it’s no use trying, because ultimately I will not succeed.  And, hey, look at the people all around you, they are doing a lot better than you are.  They’ve got it together.  They’ll be okay.  But you’re not like them. You can’t do it…  It gets old very quickly.  I get weary.  And I start to become convinced of these lies that seek my destruction.

Praise the Lord, though, for His faithfulness to speak truth to me through His word!  I have encountered this blessing several times recently, the first coming through Luke 18:9-14.  Here Jesus tells the story of the Pharisee and the tax collector who go into the temple to pray.  The Pharisee looks around him and says something like, “God, thank you that I am not like them, the sinners all around me.  I have done good things for you.”  But the tax collector could not even lift his eyes to heaven.  His prayer was humble and simplistic, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!”  And the tax collector went away justified before God.

What I see here is that the Pharisee came before the Lord boasting, because he was comparing himself to the people around him, and thought that he was doing pretty well.  But the hidden sin of his heart was PRIDE.  The tax collector, on the other hand, saw himself in relation to the Lord rather than others recognized his complete and utter depravity before a HOLY God and begged God to have mercy on him.  HE had it right.  ”For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted,” (vs. 14).

2 Corinthians 3

“Are we beginning to commend ourselves again?” (vs. 1)  Oh, let us never commend ourselves!  For “Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God.  Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant…” (vs. 4-6).

I take great comfort in the fact that my sufficiency comes from an all-powerful God, not my feeble heart.  I don’t have to do or be anything great.  But I can ask big things of a big God who desires to work in and through me.  AND he will make me competent to do His work, to love and serve and share truth and light with the people around me.  Which is ultimately all that matters.

Lastly, encouragement in Psalm 143:11-12

“For your name’s sake, O Lord, preserve my life!

In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,

and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,

for I am your servant.”

i was the lion.

january 28, 2011

from The Horse and His Boy (C.S. Lewis), pgs 161-166

“ ‘I do think,’ said Shasta, ‘that I must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lived in the whole world”… And being very tired and having nothing inside him, he felt so sorry for himself that the tears rolled down his cheeks.

What put a stop to all this was a sudden fright.  Shasta discovered that someone or somebody was walking beside him.  It was pitch dark and he could see nothing.  And the Thing (or Person) was going so quietly that he could hardly hear any footfalls.  What he could hear was breathing.  His invisible companion seemed to breathe on a very large scale, and Shasta got the impression that it was a very large creature.  And he had come to notice this breathing so gradually that he had really no idea how long it had been there.  It was a horrible shock.

It darted into his mind that he had heard long ago that there were giants in these Northern countries.  He bit his lip in terror.  But now that he really had something to cry about, he stopped crying.

The Thing (unless it was a Person) went on beside him so very quietly that Shasta began to hope he had only imagined it.  But just as he was becoming quite sure of it, there suddenly came a deep, rich sigh out of the darkness beside him.  That couldn’t be imagination!  Anyway, he had felt the hot breath of that sigh on his chilly left hand.

If the horse had been any good—or if he had known how to get any good out of the horse—he would have risked everything on a breakaway and a wild gallop.  But he knew he couldn’t make that horse gallop.  So he went on at a walking pace and the unseen companion walked and breathed beside him.  At last he could bear it no longer.

‘Who are you?’ he said, scarcely above a whisper.

‘One who has waited long for you to speak,’ said the Thing.  Its voice was not loud, but very large and deep.

‘Are you—are you a giant?’ asked Shasta.

‘You might call me a giant,’ said the Large Voice.  ‘But I am not like the creature you call giants.’

‘I can’t see you at all,’ said Shasta, after staring very hard.  Then (for an even more terrible idea had come into his head) he said, almost in a scream, ‘You’re not—not something dead, are you?  Oh please—please do go away. What harm have I ever done you?  Oh, I am the unluckiest person in the whole world!’

Once more, he felt the warm breath of the thing on his hand and face.  ‘There.’ It said.  ‘That is not the breath of a ghost.  Tell me your sorrows.’

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman.  And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all of their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert.  And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis.  And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

‘I do not call you unfortunate,’ said the Large Voice.

‘Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?’ said Shasta.

‘There was only one lion,’ said the Voice.

‘What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two the first night, and—‘

‘There was only one: but he was swift of foot.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I was the lion.’  And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the voice continued.  ‘I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis.  I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead.  I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept.  I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time.  And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.’

‘Then it was you who wounded Aravis?’

‘It was I.’

‘But what for?’

‘Child,’ said the Voice, ‘I am telling you your story, not hers.  I tell no one any story but his own.’
‘Who are you?’ asked Shasta.

‘Myself,’ said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again, ‘Myself,’ loud and clear and gay: and then the third time ‘Myself,’ whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.

Shasta was no longer afraid that the voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost.  But a new and different sort of trembling came over him.  Yet he felt glad too.

The mist was turning from black to gray and from gray to white.  This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the thing he had not been noticing anything else.  Now the whiteness around him became a shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink.  Somewhere ahead he could hear birds singing.  He knew the night was over at last.  He could see the mane and the ears and the head of the horse quite easily now.  A golden light fell on them from the left.  He thought it was the sun.

He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than the horse, a Lion.  The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or could not see it.  It was from the Lion that the light came.  No one ever saw anything more terrible or more beautiful.

But after one glance at the Lion’s face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet.  He couldn’t say anything but then he didn’t want to say anything, and he knew he needn’t say anything…

The High King above all kings stooped toward him…He lifted his face and their eyes met.  Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory and gathered themselves up and disappeared.  He was alone with the horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky.  And there were birds singing.”

hold fast.

January 7, 2011

Hold fast

A synonym—adhere

Note: only things of a different nature can adhere.  (I love dictionary.com)

Scripture tells us to hold fast to our confidence in the Lord, to our hope in Him (Hebrews 4:14, 10:23). When you actually consider the concept of CLINGING to the Lord, it is a pretty incredible calling.  He is holy, perfect, set apart.  We are broken, sinful, foolish.  And yet we can cling to perfection, cling to holiness.  We can hold fast to the promises of the God of the universe.  In fact, we NEED to.  My study bible describes it as a faithful, unwavering embrace.  What a beautiful picture of grace!

It’s also humbling—we are, by nature, needy.  The Lord doesn’t want us to be any other way.  He doesn’t ask for self-sufficiency.  He tells us to hold fast our confession of the hope we have IN HIM.  I’m thankful that though this world is ever-changing, though there is deception everywhere and lies disguised as truth, we have goodness and truth to cling to in the Lord, promises that are lasting.

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”    Hebrews 4:14-16

apathy.

January 6, 2011

“…Good intentions lie dormant
And we’re all to blame

While apathy acts like an ally
My enemy and I are one and the same”     (Brooke Fraser, Flags)

These words have been true of my life for some time now.  I’ve been dealing with a complacent heart.  I’ve been dealing with selfishness.  This tendency I have to invest in my relationship with the Lord, to love other people when it is convenient for me.  But when it might get in the way of my happiness, when I am not instantly gratified, I get frustrated.  I give up.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that following Christ is supposed to be HARD.  He asks us to TAKE UP OUR CROSSES and FOLLOW Him, to leave all else behind.  And if it’s not hard, then my heart is not right.  I’m not living as I was called to live.  My life is still too much mine, not enough His.  He asks for ALL of it.

Praise the Lord for grace!  That he can love me even when I’m living for myself, in sin.  Praise the Lord that he loves me TOO much to let me dwell there.  Because He has designed us to only be fully and eternally satisfied in Him–He knows it’s what we need most, what will bring Him the most glory.

The Lord is changing my heart.  And I’m thankful.  And excited to see what He’ll do, where He’ll lead.

nothing fancy, just what we need.

December 21, 2010

I’ve been thinking more and more about the future lately.  The vast, big question mark that is my future.  There are a lot of things I don’t know.  A LOT of things.  I don’t know what I’m going to do, or where I’m going to be, or who I’m going to be with.

But I know that I want more than “fine”.  I want to do work that I feel has purpose.  I want spend my time experiencing things instead of watching them on t.v.  I want to live freely, not constrained by what most consider “security”.  I want to not be concerned with how much money I’m making.  I want to save and spend it wisely, but I don’t care about a big house or expensive things.  Like I said, I want to DO and TRY things.  Not have a bunch of “stuff”.  Most of all, I want to learn and grow in a deeper understanding of what love is, what it means.  I want to better know and be moved by the great love of the Father.

I think that lots of people are so busy working, working, working, and accumulating STUFF, and trying and failing and trying harder and striving after all kinds of things– success, beauty, pleasure, fame, wealth, power, popularity, relief from pain and brokenness.  I see it all the time at school- SMART kids with goals anddreams.  But much of what the majority of us strive for is ultimately meaningless, and will not bring us the joy or satisfaction we think it will.

In Colorado last summer, we passed a little general store in a little town whose catch-phrase was: “nothing fancy, just what we need”.  The truth is, Christ is ALL we need.  And most other things just get in the way, cloud our view of that simple, glorious truth.

“For you were made to meet your Maker”  …  If I miss this, what has my life been for or about?

quiet. peace.

December 12, 2010

Last night Kirksville had its first real snow.  One of my favorite things to do is to go out late at night and take a walk.  There’s something about that calm, that peace that comes with nighttime and falling snow that draws me outside.

Another moment where I feel more fully alive.

I’ve thought a lot about this semester.  It’s been weird.  And hard.  But I’m learning.  The Lord is stretching me.  I’m realizing that I’m growing up.

In attempt to organize my thoughts, they look something like this:

-Hard work is good.  Putting effort into what I do, realizing the implications of what that work has on my future is important.  But it is NOT everything.

-It’s easy to allow stress to take over.  Easy for my heart and mind to become anxious. Peace is more difficult.  It doesn’t come naturally.  We have to ask for it.  But the Lord will give it.  And it’s worth it.

-Being honest with people about where you’re at is SO worth it.  Receiving prayer and encouragement is wonderful.  I have pretty great friends.

-I can (and will) have adult conversation with my parents.  I’m not the kid that lived in their house for 18 years.  I’m supposed to be becoming an adult, and I want them to see who I am here, what God’s doing in my life, where he might be leading me.  I want to learn more from them.  They are compassionate and wise and I have so much to learn.

-Adventure is NECESSARY in my life.  I need it to stay sane.  Sometimes my heart is far from this place, it craves to do things, see things, experience life more.  Yep.  Adventure is important.

-This life is not about me.  At all.  I desperately need more of Him, less of me.

-Life is hard.  Sin is ugly.  People are broken.  I have longed for heaven more this year than ever before.  But God is good, He redeems, He transforms.  There is beauty and truth to be seen here and now while I wait.

I am grateful that the Lord does not waste an opportunity to teach me more about who He is or what He’s doing.  This year has been hard, but so so good.  He’s faithful.