beware of introspection.

I've grown up in a culture that celebrates "finding yourself" and "knowing yourself", "self-help" and becoming  "self-aware" or "self-actualized".  I've noticed that Christianity isn't always quick to separate from these popular ideals, because, frankly, we are pretty fond of ourselves.  We like it when things are about us.  Right?  Introspection has been one category of self-love that I've been learning a lot about lately.

I was sitting in class the other night and my professor was discussing heart worship.  He was explaining the various ways we deceive ourselves into thinking the various lusts of our hearts aren't really so bad (avoiding the use of words like "lusts", for instance- instead, "misplaced priorities" or "bad habits").  He made a passing comment-- beware of introspection; and cited it to Martin Lloyd-Jones.  My ears perked up at the phrase and all at once I was instinctively curious and confused-- Wait. Introspection is a bad thing?  Because I'm pretty sure that is a frequent inner reality for me.

So I found the original quotation:
"I suggest that we cross the line from self-examination to introspection when, in a sense, we do nothing but examine ourselves, and when such self-examination becomes the main and chief end of our life.  We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection.  And if we are always talking to people about ourselves and our problems and troubles, and if we are forever going to them with that kind of frown upon our face saying: I am in great difficulty- it probably means that we are all the time centered upon ourselves.  That is introspection..." -Martin Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression

For the last few weeks in particular, I've spent a lot of time inside my own head, analyzing and over-analyzing my own thoughts, behaviors and motivations.  I've been incredibly discouraged, because I am (surprise!) pretty screwed up and sinful.  Then I read these words from Lloyd-Jones, and I realized that I haven't been self-examining at all.  I've given in to blatant introspection, and my thoughts have been completely centered on myself.

How can I tell the difference?  Because it didn't lead to repentance.  It wasn't rooted in my understanding of a holy God that I can never measure up to and desperately need grace from to change, just to more thoughts about me and my own inadequacy.  Because it was condemning-- it didn't point me to the goodness and grace of Christ and his saving work on the cross.  Because it didn't draw me away from me, but further into me.

"For godly grief [over sin] produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." -2 Corinthians 7:10

Lord, help me by your Spirit to seek repentance-producing, godly grief that honors you and your saving and sanctifying work in me.  Give me the strength and discernment to fight the entanglement of my own fleshly, introspective, worldly grief.