dust and ashes.

"Let it be published in heaven as a wonder, that the Lord Jesus should set His heart's love upon such as we are. Dust and ashes though we be, we must and will 'magnify the exceeding greatness of His grace.'"


-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

humility.

Recently I've been learning through brokenness.

I have an opportunity for ministry on campus next year, and I have had all these thoughts and opinions on how to improve this ministry.  And as I continue to delve deeper into how to really go about doing these things, how to sharpen the focus on genuine fellowship among believers truly desiring to grow in their love for and lives for the Lord that is founded on and deepened by the truth of the Word, I am realizing that it is FAR more difficult than I thought.  Who would've thought that by trying to simplify ministry it would become even more complex?  

But what that has meant for me in processing all of these things is that I've discovered that I'm at the end of my rope.  I've realized that from my own strength and my own "creativity" have come a few mediocre ideas that may or may not bring positive change and life to the ministry.  I have analyzed the crap out of this thing, I have looked at it from every possible angle, and what I've ultimately come to is that I'm honestly more at a loss now than when I started.  This whole thing is starting to look really hopeless, right?  I might as well just kind of give up, sit back, and continue to do things the way they've always been done.  Forget my thoughts and convictions and turn it on cruise control?

Try again.  I was totally broken tonight after a conversation with some old friends about the church.  Lots of us were expressing frustrations based on things we'd seen elsewhere or bad experiences we've had personally.  Some of these issues were legitimate, some of them were purely a matter of personal taste.  But the point is that this conversation was bringing me again to a place of helplessness.  There are a whole myriad of problems in "THE church"; in every small part and person that makes up the collective body of Christ.  And these things break my heart, but I CAN'T fix them.  

All of these things I've been thinking about and talking about have finally lead me to a place where I should have been from the beginning: coming humbly before the Lord in prayer; recognizing that even my best efforts-- even efforts meant to please the Lord-- simply do not compare to the plans and purposes of God.  If we want to be effective in ministry, if we want to see positive change in the church, if we want to turn from sin in our lives we had better be fixing our eyes and our hearts on the One who alone has all glory, honor, and power.  We ought to be fully reliant on Him and His grace every step of the way.  It is the Lord that brings life to the church; His strength that enables us to turn from sin and toward godliness. 

To think that we have anything to offer is to miss the point, to see ourselves incorrectly in relation to the Lord.  He is completely and perfectly HOLY.  Our very nature is SINFUL.  But by His grace we are called His.  And our only boasting; our only hope is in Him.  If we would learn to see every part of our lives in this way, if we could if we could learn to humbly live in complete dependence on Him, I am confident that the Lord will move mightily and be glorified all the more.

O, that my heart would melt...

"I am not affected by the death of Jesus as I ought to be; neither am I moved by the ruin of my fellow men, the wickedness of the times, the chastisement of my heavenly Father, and my own failures, as I should be. O that my heart would melt at the recital of my Saviour's sufferings and death.  Would to God I were rid of this nether millstone within me, this hateful body of death. Blessed be the name of the Lord, the disease is not incurable, the Saviour's precious blood is the universal solvent, and me, even me, it will effectually soften, till my heart melts as wax before the fire." 
-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening