the problem of self-preservation

Self-preservation is not a virtue.

I recently read an article by a new foster parent over at The Archibald Project who shared this thought. It's been tumbling around, echoing in my head ever since.

I am an expert in self-preservation. Limits and boundaries and space are a few of my closest friends. I am afraid of feeling things too deeply, of the inevitability of walking in pain or grief. I'm very concerned with not giving too much of myself away. And I hold up the ideals of self-preservation as if they are gospel, when what they actually offer me is a life devoid of love that's deep, sacrificial, or purposeful.

So for anyone thinking we are special unicorn people for being willing to step into foster care, I hope this small window into my soul clears things up for you. My instincts for protecting myself from pain, worry, discomfort, exhaustion are so high that I know it will require constant, intentional effort to love these kids as God has called us to.

But the truth that is so present on my mind as we prepare for this life change is the worthiness of these kids to be fully loved, and kept safe, and to experience real attachment - perhaps for the first time. They are worthy of my attention, my sleeplessness, my encouragement, my energy, my affection, and even of my heartbreak if/when they leave our home.

I'm trusting God's transforming power to remake me through this process. I know it is as much for my own good as I hope it will be for the good of the children in our care. And I'm asking him to strip away this deep desire for self-preservation, that instead he will help me to understand more fully the love that compelled Christ to give himself away completely for us.